Separation and divorce are painful. Custody battles are worse. In western societies, women are far more likely than men to become custodial parents, but that does not excuse men from their parenting duties, nor does it mean mothers are justified in excluding fathers from their children's lives. Children need both parents – two positive role models working together to help their children grow up to be confident, strong, and happy.
A father limited to alternating weekends and the occasional holiday has to work especially hard. Hardest, perhaps, is remembering that his job is to be a parent rather than a "pal." He has to fit as much parenting as possible into his limited time with his kids.
Problems for Part-Time Fathers
The circumstances leading to separation and divorce often leave a great deal of hostility behind, and that hostility is not only an obstacle to effective parenting, it creates a great deal of pain for children who have to witness it. Nobody can reasonably expect a couple coming out of a bitter divorce to be best friends, but their children deserve two parents who are civil, polite, and cooperative.
When parents can't cooperate, children are tempted to take advantage of the competition and play one parent against the other. They win more presents and privileges, but in the process become more selfish, manipulative, and materialistic. Those traits make it harder for them to form and maintain friendships – or other relationships later in life.
Custodial and Non-Custodial Parents
Non-custodial fathers must work hard to develop a cooperative relationship with their children's mothers. In the wake of a bitter divorce, that can be very difficult, but it must be done for the sake of the children.
- Restrain any open display of anger or hostility, even when provoked. Anger elicits anger, and obstructs cooperation.
- Do not belittle her to your children, and do not compete with her for their affections. They should love and feel loved by both of you.
- Genuinely listen to what she has to say, and honestly evaluate any criticism of your behavior. Some criticisms are likely to be valid.
- Advise her of your plans for the times you have the children, and consult with her before making any major purchases.
- Discuss any problems you may have with the children, and urge her to do the same.
Visitation vs. Integration
When fathers swoop in at visitation times to carry their children away for "a fun weekend," they are not fathering. Genuine parenting requires fathers to understand and be functioning parts of their children's ordinary lives – keeping track of school events and assignments, paying attention to extracurricular activity schedules, and getting to know the children's friends and their parents. As children get older, activities with friends become far more important. "A fun weekend" that extracts children from their social lives may not be that much fun.
- Make contact with your children's teachers, either in person or by telephone, and get updates on their progress in school.
- Meet your children's friends and their parents, perhaps by hosting a birthday or holiday party.
- Attend school plays, soccer games, and any other public events where your children are participants, even on non-visitation days.
- Encourage your children to invite friends to join them for special activities with you.
- Discuss what you learn with the children's mother, and offer your help if her responsibilities are weighing too heavily.
Fathers who become more complete participants in their children's lives – even in the limited time allotted by the courts – will improve their relationships and make the time they spend with their children more productive. A good father accepts responsibility for his children, even when circumstances make doing that more difficult. The result is children who are happier, less stressed, and more secure in their parents' love.
Victor A. Gallis - Vic Gallis has written for a variety of literary journals, educational publications, and websites. Thirty years spent in public education, ...
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